The Case For Staying Home May 16, 2013 13:42

There’s a lot to read out there about how hard it is to stay home with your children, ways for parents to cope with the challenges and the importance of having space from your children and an independent sense of self. These things are all true and important. However, what I feel gets lost in all that talk about the housecleaning, the crying children, discipline challenges, and the monotony of being home, is the truth about how amazing it really is to spend your ‘career’ caring for your own children.

 

I feel so blessed to be living my dream of being a mother and having the opportunity to stay home with my children. It is an opportunity not all parents are afforded, and while many parents choose working outside the home for personal, professional and financial reasons, I choose to stay home. Like many stay at home moms, I’m very employable and had a thriving career before my family grew by one, and then two children.  People often question why someone would voluntarily leave a successful career and comfortable salary when there are so many varied childcare options available. This is such a personal choice, and is different for each family; but for me, I couldn’t cope with the stress of being away from my little ones for the vast majority of my days.

 

And it was more than that. I knew that (again this is very individual) I couldn’t give myself fully to my family or my career as long as I was splitting my time between both. I tried going back to work after my first son arrived. It worked out for a while, but eventually, one side of the equation was always suffering. And I was always suffering in the middle. Most parents, especially moms, face this struggle on some level – ultimately it’s about following the stronger pull, whether that’s money, family needs, personal satisfaction, etc.

 

Mothers working outside the home need advocacy and support for the challenges they face in the workplace, and stay home moms need the same support, respect, recognition and validation that they are doing something meaningful and important. In light of honoring stay at home moms, I’ve decided to highlight a few of the reasons why I feel staying home is the best gig there is.

 

1)   Play: Sure, it can be exhausting to chase two busy kids around a zoo, playground or hiking trail, all while lugging sippy cups, snacks, diapers and a deserted tricycle. But, I get to play for ‘work’. The most important task of my day is to engage my children in exploring their world with their minds and bodies. We play, we go on adventures and we enjoy the outdoors. I’d gladly trade a day in the office for a day of changing diapers if it means I get to spend the bulk of my time having fun with my kids.

 

2)   Involvement: Stay at home moms have the luxury – and I do feel it is a luxury – of being involved in their children’s daily lives, friendships and school. I keep my kids pretty active, and I’m the lucky one who gets to watch them learn how to swim, see their first somersault at gymnastics class and cheer from the sidelines at a weekday t-ball practice. I know their friends well, and have the time to chat with the pre-school teachers at drop off and pick up. I can help in the classroom and volunteer to bring snacks without having to make concessions in a work schedule to do so.

 

3)   Variety: I’m a busy body, and I do not do well with being idle. The prospect of staying at home all day without any planned activities can sometimes cause me anxiety. And there are monotonous days when I feel a deep longing for adult life outside of my home. Definitely days when I miss my former job. But kids bring boundless variety. Each day brings a new development, milestone, conversation, opportunity for teaching and excitement. A child views each new day with hope and anticipation for what might happen. If you can immerse yourself in that way of thinking, each day at home with your children can be entertaining and stimulating for everyone.

 

4)   Company: I don’t have to spend an entire day alone with a computer. I always have someone to talk to – and kids are much more capable of deep conversations than they are often given credit for.  I’m needed and wanted every day, and though I’m much harder on myself in terms of expectations than any former ‘boss’ ever was, I’m removed from the drama that can come with workplace relationships. Plus, I get to meet other parents and spend afternoons with my best friends while our children play together.

 

5)   Challenge: Learning how to discipline my children has been the most daunting aspect of parenting. I know what values I want ingrained in them, I know what my expectations are of them for social and familial behavior, I know that I want to be gentle and empathetic with them. But I tend to have no idea of how to achieve these things gracefully or even successfully. My husband and I work to find balance between parenting ‘tactics’ we’ve learned from books and experts with our natural parental instincts. Everyone knows parenting isn’t easy, but staying home all day and maintaining patience and calm day after day is the ultimate test. I appreciate the challenge. And while there have been countless times I’ve felt broken by it, staying home with my kids is teaching me to be a better person and to dig deep to uncover parts of myself I didn’t know were there. I’ve yet to experience a paying job that offers the same level of self discovery.

 

-Ashley

Mom of the Month - Our Mom Tara Fairfield April 18, 2013 15:48

It seems that if two sisters run their own website, and have a blog that features a mom of the month, they better be sure to feature their own mom at some point. Alyssa and I agreed that for April, we’d choose our own mom for the monthly Mom of the Month column. So below you’ll find a short excerpt from each of us detailing just what we admire most about our own mom.

 

From me:

I owe my sense of determination and self worth to my mom. There were times during my childhood that were very trying emotionally, but through it all, my mom never failed to remind me that I was special and had a mark to make on the world. She instilled a deep sense of independence in me by allowing me to make mistakes and supporting my decisions, even if she disagreed with the path I was choosing.

 

She was a single mother for about half of my childhood (during which time she managed to raise three of us, worked full time and obtained her doctorate degree in psychology), and continually reminded me the importance of being independent. Of all the values my mom instilled in me – my faith in Christ, my belief that it’s ok to have my head in the clouds, my confidence, the importance of serving others – the most prominent was to ensure my own survival, independence and prosperity through education and work ethic.

 

She learned this lesson the hard way, and was determined to raise us kids to learn from her trials and tribulations. We did. My mom’s insistence on obtaining an education and following a sustainable career path fueled my personal ambitions and helped me keep my focus. When the time came for me to leave home and venture out to college, the transition was hard, but I was mentally ready to fend for myself. That level of autonomy is something I hope I can encourage in my own children when they are at the right age.

 

Our mom has just recently achieved yet another amazing feat. She wrote a novel, pitched it tirelessly and obtained a publisher for it. It launched, and is being bought and enjoyed by readers across the country – and internationally! I’m so proud of my mom, so happy for her that she has been able to chase this dream; and look to her as inspiration that really anything is possible with the right level of perseverance.

 

From Alyssa:

Ash and I love giving our mother a hard time, laughing at all of her funny quirks and dramatic moments. But, in all reality, she is one strong lady. As I am writing this, I am currently on a plane to go and meet our family in Hawaii. We are celebrating the release of her new book, Makai Queen, which is just another outcome of her determination and hard work.  

 

I have a lot of gratitude and admiration for our mother.  I was very young when our parents divorced, and as Ashley said, she raised the three of us kids by herself, worked full time, and completed her doctorates.  She made a lot of sacrifices for us, as I like to say "manned up", and much of where I am and who I am today is owed to that.  I am sure this is where my 'no excuse' mentality comes from.  

 

One of the qualities of our mother that I am so thankful for is her unwavering support. I was never told I was not capable of doing something. Our mother always pushes us to go for our dreams and ensures us we are capable of achieving anything we put our minds to. She not only tells us this, she shows us this. I can always turn to her for support and encouragement. 

 

She is amazing. We are three very lucky children.  

 

For more about her book, visit http://www.makaiqueen.com/. It’s a fantastic read, and we’re not just saying that because we’re biased.

 

-Ashley

 

Reality of Positive Parenting March 6, 2013 14:38

I'm a big advocate of using positive parenting approaches to discipline. It's not always easy, but I believe that in the long run, the effort is more than worth it. Check out my guest post on Nature Moms Blog talking about the day-to-day challenges of positive parenting. A big thank you to Tiffany at Nature Moms Blog for welcoming me as a guest blogger!

http://naturemoms.com/blog/2013/03/06/the-reality-of-positive-parenting/

-Ashley

We’re All Working Moms – Stay at Home versus Work Out of the Home February 12, 2013 11:27

The pursuit of a work-life balance challenges most working people in today’s society. Mothers tend to feel the pinch more acutely, facing not only the challenge of juggling multiple responsibilities, duties and personal fulfillment, but also guilt.

The more I talk to my mommy friends, the more I realize that everyone, no matter their work scenario, thinks the other side has it a little easier. I recently interviewed a few friends, each with a different work-life scenario, to take the pulse on how everyday mom’s are really handling the juggle. Below are some of the questions and answers…

1) What is your current work/life situation, and is it what you want (i.e. if you are staying home, is that what you wanted/planned)?

Meghann: Working 2 days a week with random side projects. I don't think I planned for anything but I find I'm unhappy if I'm not working a little, but don't think I'd want to work any more. I'd say 2 full days a week is pretty perfect for me.

Bonnie: Currently working full-time. Was home for 6 months with the baby then returned to work. I thought this was what I wanted, but realized within a few weeks back that I was very unhappy and would much rather be at home. Unfortunately, I will need to work for another 6 months, but am planning on being home after that.  

Emily: I am currently staying at home with my two little boys (ages: 7 months and 2 years old). When I was pregnant with my first, I thought there was a good chance I'd return to work. When my first son was about two months old, my boss got in touch with me to discuss my options for returning. The pit in my stomach at the thought of being away from my baby and having someone else take care of him, even on a very part-time schedule, told me I was meant to make raising him my full time job. I haven't regretted that decision for one moment.

My upbringing certainly influenced my decision as well. I was raised by an amazing single, working mom, so I fully recognize the challenges and guilt that working moms face. It wasn’t until I became a mother myself that I truly understood how hard that time in her life must have been and why she wished it could have been different. My mom is my biggest supporter of the decision I made to stay home. 

 

2) If you go to work full time, how do you balance time with your child versus household duties/errands/etc.? 

Bonnie: I have no idea! My baby has definitely become my priority, so certain things go by the wayside, but I couldn't do it without my wonderful husband! I recently hired a housekeeper that comes once a month to do the heavy cleaning. Errands are done on the weekends, usually with the baby in tow.  

 

3) If you stay at home, how do you balance time with your child versus household duties/errands/etc.?

Meghann: On the days I'm at home, I have to be super organized to get everything done that needs done. I'd say I'm barely on top of regular household duties and far behind on anything above / beyond. We just moved and I'd love to put more time into our house, but I'm lucky to get the shopping done, dinner fixed and cleaned and the laundry kept, bills paid, etc.

Emily: The truth is I do not have very good balance, and it is something I am constantly chasing. My children are 100% my focus and priority when they are awake. Errands are typically done on the weekends when I can run in and out of places while my husband sits in the car with the [typically sleeping] kids. I have hired a cleaning company to scour our house top-to-bottom every other week, and that has relieved a tremendous burden.

My husband is an incredible, highly involved father, which also helps a great deal with the balancing act. He has had to travel a lot over the last two years, which has been more difficult than I anticipated, but when he is in town, he tries to get home around 6 pm and dives right into Dad mode: playing with the boys, helping with dinner (or even bringing dinner home) doing bath time and bedtime for our 2 year old, walking our dog, and so on. His involvement frees me up to clean up the kitchen, then nurse and put our baby down, fold laundry, wash diapers, pay bills, etc.

 

4) What is your child care situation, and are you happy with it?

Meghann: We have a babysitter who comes once a week for a date night, and Sienna's in daycare / school two days a week. I say "school" because it's a preschool when they get older. It's great, it’s like a village for little people and she's super stimulated and good with it.

Bonnie: Baby is at a corporate daycare. Pros are the regulations and standards associated with the company - knowing my child is safe, supervised, and staff is well qualified. Con is that the number of children in the room make it so my child's needs are met only to their best ability depending on what's going on with other babies.  

Emily: I tend to be very hesitant to ever ask for help, specifically when it means enlisting someone to care for my babies when I wouldn’t be using that time to bring in any income. My husband feels strongly that having someone help during a few hours each week so I can run errands, catch up on personal matters, household duties, projects, (and take a breath!) would be an enormous help for all of us and would be a small price to pay. He may be right, but I'm ridiculously stubborn and hate to admit I may not be able to do it all. 

 

5) All moms tend to agree that parenthood is challenging no matter what - do you think the grass is greener on the other side (i.e. if you are working, do you think staying home would be easier)?

Meghann: I love the balance, or the attempt to balance I should say. I wouldn't be happy with just one or the other. I need both sides to fill all of me, my individuality and my maternal / wifely needs.

Bonnie: I feel that I've experienced a little of both, staying home for 6 months then back at work full time. Although there were days when I was at home where I thought I would go a little crazy, I feel that working full-time is MUCH more difficult. Basic tasks such as getting a load of laundry done become so much harder when I am gone for nine hours a day. Also, the stress from work is difficult to cope with when I want to come home and have a happy attitude or the energy to play with my baby. 

Emily: In many ways, I think working would be easier, but I also understand why working moms feel staying home would be easier. I’ve had an up-close view of both sides considering how I was raised, and let’s be honest: parenting is incredibly challenging no matter how you approach it. I feel true physical and emotional exhaustion, my days often blur into one another (particularly if I've been up much of the night with the baby), I often lack mental stimulation, I can't get a sick day. Motherhood is as much my job as it is my passion, and I have always believed in giving 110% to anything I take on.

Quite honestly, I envy working moms in many ways, but perhaps not ways that would naturally come to mind. More than anything I think they have maintained that sense of their identity by staying in the professional world. I believe working moms may also maintain a healthier balance and sense of self because they have some separation from their children, so that every waking moment of their life is not entirely defined by their role as mom. All that said, I know that for ME, staying home was absolutely the best choice and I wouldn’t give it up for anything.

 

6) What has surprised you as the most challenging aspect of your work/life situation?

Meghann: San Jose is sprawling so I do a lot of driving; drop Sienna, drop Adrian, then to work (usually stopping at Starbucks), then again on the way home. I feel like my head is a manic mess most of the time because of the juggling act, but I think I strangely like it that way. I'm more forgetful than ever if that was possible.

Bonnie: How sad I really am dropping him off everyday and how much I really want to be at home.  

Emily: Loneliness. In the early days of parenthood, the loneliness was what struck me the most. It never occurred to me that being home alone with my precious baby day after day could make me feel so utterly isolated from the outside world. I found ways to conquer that by getting out of the house for prescribed activities, meeting up with other moms, etc., but there are days the loneliness still creeps in, particularly when my husband is traveling.

 

7) What has surprised you as the most enjoyable aspect of your work/life situation?

Meghann: Days at work are the easiest days, I love how focused I can be and how much I can get done. Then I love that there are days I just get to be with Sienna, though I find that I'm still trying to cram the other "home duties" into those days so sometimes I'm not fully there with her, which sucks for us both. Sometimes I find I'm never fully present anywhere because I've got so much on my plate. Enjoyable is that I feel strong and like super woman when I'm in the grind, like I'm achieving everything all at once - which I'm sure I'm not but I'm happy in my illusions.

Emily: 1) The laughter that fills my day. My 2 year old makes me laugh out loud all day long. I want to freeze him in time because he is so ridiculously entertaining at this age. 2) The love I feel. I knew I would love my children and love being a mom as I’ve always been a nurturer, but I am more in love with my boys than I ever dreamt possible. My husband and I joke about how we want to lick them and eat them we love them so much –but it’s true; we just can’t get close enough. 3) The friendships I’ve made. I have been surprised by what strong friendships I’ve formed with fellow moms since the birth of my first son.

8) If you work, how do you deal with days when your child's needs prohibit you or your spouse from going to work? Is your employer flexible?

Meghann: It's happened once already this month, I was initially mad in the morning that the day wasn't working out as expected, but then happy that I got to spend the day at home tending to my baby and didn't have anything else planned. I still felt guilty towards my employer, but at the end of the day she's got to be more important.

Bonnie: My husband and I take turns staying home with a sick baby.  It is difficult for me to leave work mid-day, so he will leave work for doctor’s appointments or when we have to pick up our baby from daycare early.

 

9) Do you have a consistent outlet for adult time outside of work/parenting? If so, what is it?

Meghann: Not really here. I get adult time at play dates, and a date night once a week with Adrian but that's about it for pure adult time. I don't have any great girlfriends here yet. I love when Sienna naps and I can squeeze a juicy conversation with a girlfriend from another state; that makes me feel free.

Bonnie: Not really. A good support system at work, but not many people who can "help" make things easier.  

Emily: Not currently, but I'm beginning a personal training program (after MUCH resistance) which will force me to take time for myself. Otherwise, the answer is pretty much, NO…it’s all kids, all the time around here, and I fully recognize that may not exactly be a healthy balance, but it works for me right now.

 

In closing, Emily said: “I hope my presence will mean as much to my boys as it does to me. Their existence has put my whole life in beautiful perspective and I am overflowing with gratitude for being able to spend each day making their lives great. My children are without question my greatest accomplishment.”

 

 -Ashley

Mom of the Month - Molly Vaden January 10, 2013 14:52

This month we’re honoring just your ordinary mom next door. Well, not really. This mom may seem ordinary: from a small town, four kiddos, family oriented, and drives an SUV. But we think Molly Vaden of Molly Vaden Photography is pretty amazing.

Molly is the creative eye behind the scenes of the adorable baby photographs on our website. She has photographed our family numerous times, resulting in some of the most magical photos of my boys’ toddler years. Many of my friends have invited her into their homes and communities to capture the essence of their family on camera. Her talent is unique, and her role as a mom of four lovely children brings an added personal touch to her work.

Molly’s signature style is evident in her photography, and it’s not quite like anything I’ve seen from other family and baby photographers. She knows just how to capture the sweet moments; the serenity of a pregnant woman, a mother tickling her child for a smile, a young couple’s kiss above their newborn baby, a father’s smile as he hugs his little boy; and she does it with style. Speaking from experience, Molly’s clients all feel at ease with her, and as a result, the photos that come out of a family session are more meaningful, beautiful and sweet than ever expected.

We decided to feature Molly this month just for fun. She’s an everyday working mom, and we really appreciate the adorable images she’s captured for both our family and our business. You can see her awesome work and blog at www.mollyvadenphotography.com. And here’s one of my favorite shots she did of our little family…

 

 

-Ashley