The Case For Staying Home May 16, 2013 13:42

There’s a lot to read out there about how hard it is to stay home with your children, ways for parents to cope with the challenges and the importance of having space from your children and an independent sense of self. These things are all true and important. However, what I feel gets lost in all that talk about the housecleaning, the crying children, discipline challenges, and the monotony of being home, is the truth about how amazing it really is to spend your ‘career’ caring for your own children.

I feel so blessed to be living my dream of being a mother and having the opportunity to stay home with my children. It is an opportunity not all parents are afforded, and while many parents choose working outside the home for personal, professional and financial reasons, I choose to stay home. Like many stay at home moms, I’m very employable and had a thriving career before my family grew by one, and then two children.  People often question why someone would voluntarily leave a successful career and comfortable salary when there are so many varied childcare options available. This is such a personal choice, and is different for each family; but for me, I couldn’t cope with the stress of being away from my little ones for the vast majority of my days.

And it was more than that. I knew that (again this is very individual) I couldn’t give myself fully to my family or my career as long as I was splitting my time between both. I tried going back to work after my first son arrived. It worked out for a while, but eventually, one side of the equation was always suffering. And I was always suffering in the middle. Most parents, especially moms, face this struggle on some level – ultimately it’s about following the stronger pull, whether that’s money, family needs, personal satisfaction, etc.

Mothers working outside the home need advocacy and support for the challenges they face in the workplace, and stay home moms need the same support, respect, recognition and validation that they are doing something meaningful and important. In light of honoring stay at home moms, I’ve decided to highlight a few of the reasons why I feel staying home is the best gig there is.

1)   Play: Sure, it can be exhausting to chase two busy kids around a zoo, playground or hiking trail, all while lugging sippy cups, snacks, diapers and a deserted tricycle. But, I get to play for ‘work’. The most important task of my day is to engage my children in exploring their world with their minds and bodies. We play, we go on adventures and we enjoy the outdoors. I’d gladly trade a day in the office for a day of changing diapers if it means I get to spend the bulk of my time having fun with my kids.

2)   Involvement: Stay at home moms have the luxury – and I do feel it is a luxury – of being involved in their children’s daily lives, friendships and school. I keep my kids pretty active, and I’m the lucky one who gets to watch them learn how to swim, see their first somersault at gymnastics class and cheer from the sidelines at a weekday t-ball practice. I know their friends well, and have the time to chat with the pre-school teachers at drop off and pick up. I can help in the classroom and volunteer to bring snacks without having to make concessions in a work schedule to do so.

3)   Variety: I’m a busy body, and I do not do well with being idle. The prospect of staying at home all day without any planned activities can sometimes cause me anxiety. And there are monotonous days when I feel a deep longing for adult life outside of my home. Definitely days when I miss my former job. But kids bring boundless variety. Each day brings a new development, milestone, conversation, opportunity for teaching and excitement. A child views each new day with hope and anticipation for what might happen. If you can immerse yourself in that way of thinking, each day at home with your children can be entertaining and stimulating for everyone.

4)   Company: I don’t have to spend an entire day alone with a computer. I always have someone to talk to – and kids are much more capable of deep conversations than they are often given credit for.  I’m needed and wanted every day, and though I’m much harder on myself in terms of expectations than any former ‘boss’ ever was, I’m removed from the drama that can come with workplace relationships. Plus, I get to meet other parents and spend afternoons with my best friends while our children play together.

5)   Challenge: Learning how to discipline my children has been the most daunting aspect of parenting. I know what values I want ingrained in them, I know what my expectations are of them for social and familial behavior, I know that I want to be gentle and empathetic with them. But I tend to have no idea of how to achieve these things gracefully or even successfully. My husband and I work to find balance between parenting ‘tactics’ we’ve learned from books and experts with our natural parental instincts. Everyone knows parenting isn’t easy, but staying home all day and maintaining patience and calm day after day is the ultimate test. I appreciate the challenge. And while there have been countless times I’ve felt broken by it, staying home with my kids is teaching me to be a better person and to dig deep to uncover parts of myself I didn’t know were there. I’ve yet to experience a paying job that offers the same level of self discovery.

-Ashley

Reality of Positive Parenting March 6, 2013 14:38

I'm a big advocate of using positive parenting approaches to discipline. It's not always easy, but I believe that in the long run, the effort is more than worth it. Check out my guest post on Nature Moms Blog talking about the day-to-day challenges of positive parenting. A big thank you to Tiffany at Nature Moms Blog for welcoming me as a guest blogger!

http://naturemoms.com/blog/2013/03/06/the-reality-of-positive-parenting/

-Ashley

Guest Post from Dr. Mary Sheedy Kurcinka: Alternatives to Spanking December 12, 2012 12:41

They were standing in the hallway of four-year old Larkyn’s child care center as she stomped her foot in defiance. Despite her mother’s pleas, Larkyn adamantly refused to put on her jacket in order to join her class outside on the playground.  “I’ve got to go to work!”  Mom exclaimed in exasperation fiercely fighting the urge to strike Larkyn and force her to comply. 

That’s when Lynn the director of Larkyn’s child care center stepped in. “Larkyn, I see you don’t want to put on your jacket. What’s up?” 

“I want to stay inside!”  Larkyn exclaimed. And before Lynn could question further she added, “It’s too windy outside.”   

“Oh, you don’t like the wind?” Lynn clarified. 

“I don’t!  And there’s a big garbage truck out there.” Larkyn declared. 

“So you want to stay inside because it’s too windy outside, but really because you don’t like the big garbage truck?” Lynn offered.  Larkyn’s shoulders suddenly relaxed, realizing that Lynn understood.

Lynn sighed, “Well, there are no teachers to watch you inside, but what if you put your jacket on and when the garbage truck leaves I’ll take you out to your group. Would that work? Larkyn nodded in agreement and slipped into her coat. 

Lynn did not strike Larkyn, demand that she stop this nonsense and put on her coat, nor ridicule her for being afraid of the wind and the garbage truck. Nor did she “give in” and bring a teacher inside to watch Larkyn alone. Lynn understood that behind every challenging behavior there is a feeling and need and if you take the time to discover that feeling and need you can work together for a win/win solution. 

If we are really honest, spanking is actually about our own frustration and feelings of powerlessness. It teaches a child nothing other than demonstrating that if you are bigger than someone you can hit them. You might be thinking, well I was spanked, and it never hurt me. But the research tells us that spanking is like smoking. Not all smokers get cancer but we don’t know who will and will not. The same is true of spanking, some children may not be emotionally harmed by a slap, but some –and again we do not know who, can suffer lifelong emotional damage.

The reality is we NEVER need to strike a child. When a child is not complying, there is always a reason and it’s not to embarrass you, make you late for work or drive you crazy. By stopping and listening you are teaching your child to be a problem solver who works with you. This is a life skill and the basis of all strong relationships.

So next time you are tempted to strike your child, take a long deep breath and simply ask, “What’s up?”  By doing so instead of hurting your child both physically and emotionally, you will be connecting and building that relationship that keeps him working with you even during the tough times.  Now that’s worth a few minutes of your time.  

Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, Ed.D., is director of Parentchildhelp.com and author of Raising Your Spirited Child and Sleepless in America. For more parenting tips, visit her blog at http://parentingquestionsfordrmaryandlynn.blogspot.com/.